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[personal profile] mustela_nivalis
In reviewing our experience with queer media, [personal profile] noldo and I discovered a number of facts about nonheterosexuality we previously had not encountered.



1. Gay people do drugs. Even if it is otherwise counter to their character, someone will do a line of cocaine, or MDMA.

2. You can totally be turned on by members of the opposite sex if you’re gay. It just requires denial. A lot of it.

3. Don’t mix non-Western culture and homosexuality. Or religion. This just ends with suicides. Or rape.

4. Opposite sex friends are weird if you’re straight; they are only weirder if you aren’t.

5. One of you is probably the man. Or the woman. Because gender is binary. [And all relationships must contain one of each!]

6. Deciding that the ‘opposite sex’ is composed entirely of unfeeling jerks, or having one hetero relationship that does not go well, is entirely sufficient reason to decide that you are exclusively gay now.

7. You can’t come out before having sex with a member of the same sex. HOW CAN YOU TELL YOU’RE QUEER WITHOUT SEX?

7. a. And all sex is illicit, desperate, and somewhat sordid.

8. It is always completely sensible to date someone your parents’ age, always. Even if this leads to genuinely unhealthy power dynamics. Because other queer people are just that hard to find, and mentorship is always a good basis for a [sexual] relationship.

9. One night stands are a fantastic basis for a [romantic] relationship. Even if one of you just wanted to have sex.

10. If you and another member of the same sex consider a sex icon of the opposite sex unattractive, you must both be gay. Even if there is no other indication that either of you isn’t heterosexual.

11. Gay people love sex toys. This is probably to compensate for the obvious biological absurdity of queer sex.

12. Being gay is about sex. Clearly, you must have a lot of it. Like, at least thrice a day. Gay people don’t really bother doing typical non-sex things, like holding hands, going to the grocery store, or talking walks.

13. If you meet the right guy or girl, you can realize your homosexuality. Even if you had prior loving relationships with someone of the opposite sex. You may in fact need to make the dramatic realisation that it wasn’t genuine love, after all.
13a. There is no such thing as bisexuality.

14. You will never get over your best friend. Unfortunately, best friends are always straight.

15. There is no such thing as an accepting non-white parent. This is because of the retrogressive cultural standards at play in their strange and uncivilised home countries. White parents will usually, though not always, come around in the end.

16. If you’re a woman, you are required to make at least one remark to the effect that your sexual experiences with other women are just so much tenderer than those you may have previously had with men.

17. If you’re a man, see above, but instead of being tender, you’re not wasting your time talking about all those stupid ‘feelings’. Alternately, if you do talk about your feelings, it is clearly an obvious outward sign that you are ragingly gay.

18. You spent your childhood fighting gender norms. By playing with legos. Or with a pram. If your parents had paid attention, they would have known you weren’t straight then. Because fighting gender norms is always about sexuality.

19. You must have a track by Madonna in a film about queer men. Or someone equivalent. David Bowie is an acceptable alternative. If the film is about queer women, kd lang is a good starting point. Or, if you are aiming for a younger market, Tegan and Sara. This accurately reflects the musical tastes of all queer people.

20. All relationships have uneven power dynamics. Most commonly, this is reflected by one partner being completely comfortable with their non-heterosexuality. Otherwise, it shows up as having unequal class origins or age (see 8).

21. All queer people are into kink. All of them. All.

22. Monogamy is for straight people, or occasionally women.

23. If you’re not seeing anyone right now, it’s obviously just because you like fucking around.

24. Someone you know died of AIDS.

25. Only anal counts for men, and you aren’t having proper lesbian sex without fingering.

26. If you’re non-white, your partner may in fact be attracted to your exoticism. This is awesome and you should feel flattered.

27. You love them, even if they are abusive. Because they are of the same gender as you. This is your only real relationship criterion.

28. You are in some way morally suspect by societal standards, for reasons other than your sexuality.

29. Your mental health issues stem from the stigma of same-sex attraction. Any other potential cause of emotional distress is dwarfed by the painful cross of thinking that either Lena Headey or Matt Bomer (never both) is really cute.

30. You are trans? That is either tragic or a great plot for a comedy of errors!

31. If you are a queer man, your life fails the Bechdel test. If you are a queer woman, your life fails its converse.

32. You aren’t ever really comfortable with being queer.

33. You can’t have a happy ending.

Thanks to [personal profile] kaberett for proofing.
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